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(no subject)
Aug. 12th, 2011 03:35 pmPlease Jesus I know you can hear me. let me have a relationship with my daughter.
Nick you once called me flat chested. I think I was battling demons at the time, so, now, I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with you... I think it's because, not once in my life have I had a relationship which Ive ever felt has a chance of going somewhere. So I'll jump ship. Of all the relationships I've had though... Today you brought your 'best friends from Yeovil' in to the shop, and I had just heard a baby crying outside which tapped straight in to my mother's heart. It will get easier. You'll probably turn up tonight pretty late, or hopefully, not at all. Things are always better when there's ... well the fact is... you don't want me around. I can feel it. And being here doing this, being me, I do want you around but I know I'm not good for you.
Nick's just waiting for me to finally fuck him off, because I've given him the barrier, we're using psychic communication, but my karma says that I gave him the power. He said, "Oh you don't wanna be seen with me. Fine." Maybe he was joking, but he didn't come with me and didn't spend the night with me as if we were at a festival. I wonder why. Why he didn't wanna do that. How can I stop my loved ones getting hurt? How can i stop my loved ones from getting hurt? Perhaps a question is asked twice, and a good idea is confirmed 3 times. I really wanna be in paid work. Getting a return for working is great. I have never had to pay for so much in my life! rent, coucil tax, water, electricity. Rent £47p/w, probably adds up to £100 per week. but tasting what ive earnt! wow. i had a little taste, and now i want more. Dace suggested a part time job on a sunday to begin with. I also like being NFA. I thought, being NFA, going home to wash, perhaps do what I'm doing now. Sleep rough occasionally, for a trip or something. Yeah. Job helps. Does working feed a demon? We'll see, we'll see we'll see. If Sufi's grind is for a sufi what am I? Agh sounds like a painful question.
(no subject)
Aug. 6th, 2011 12:13 amTonight I was mostly aquarius. And now I feel sick. I don't want you to join in because I'm here all alone. I can't help it if I hear something. I can't even help it if I don't react when you provoke me. My heart is SO bruised. You have friends. I still, do not.
Well strap me in and wait for it to begin. I think I'm in love because you fit like a glove. Don't leave me now, I'll show you how. I feel sick, so we must be quick.
Well strap me in and wait for it to begin. I think I'm in love because you fit like a glove. Don't leave me now, I'll show you how. I feel sick, so we must be quick.
OF CLOUDS AND MOUNTAINS
Jul. 26th, 2011 08:28 am??!! Please enquire for more information on this topic.
(no subject)
Jul. 20th, 2011 10:17 pmSiren siren stay away from me. Siren siren siren siren siren siren.
It was is as you.
My thought retracted is loneliness. My thought extended is breathing in the warmth.
Left unretracted ('Know me as Woman. THESE are my boundaries') I have no protection for my mind. How do you retract that privacy?
Bleach bleach bleach bleach stay away from me.
I am not your slave, thoughts.
'I- am- not- your- slave- thoughts'
I do not think with grammer. If I had a friend I would chat about grammer. Mould and Mildew remover. Mould and Mildew remover. Beat the drum. Beat the drum. Think of rum drink the rum. I'm growing a beard. Who would want such a thing? I saw the waning just before last quarter last night. Just how beautiful how beautiful how beautiful can won night be? I am being twisted out and about. Bleach. Lets be clear on this shall we?
I just say the word and I am protected. Say the word. Say the word. I. I said it out loud. It reinforced my right of way. The other day, I saw someone sit beside me as if I didn't exist in my own life and write as if I didn't exist. And push a snake right through my arm. This person wasn't aware of me. Or yes he/she was. What makes this happen? Is anyone going to help me? What an evil thing to happen! Why did you happen to me? I am very weak. Why is this happening to me? I hate to see the word 'happen'. It is a weak word. I'm all dressed up and I'm afraid of being twisted out of proportion. Have I given the right away? If I gave the right away, which IS giving the right of way, then the right of way is mine because I have the right of way. Why is this not enough? Well here I am, at the end of the question where the answer was earlier in the question. When I think of Isabelle I amsane. I think "How can I give her the right message, the right idea?? What is the right message to give to Isabelle? What is the right message to give to Isabelle. Look after your gums Isabelle. Or what? Have I avoided sickening disaster? Will you be scared when you grow up? One of us will want to see the other again. Will it be you or will it be me? Your daddy is your whole world and I love you because you're so easy to love. If you weren't mine, I'd love you. Because you are mine what explanation do you know for your life? This is shared with James because James forced me into non privacy. (Because I am weak because I am weak). I cannot continue my thoughts sometimes because of the iniquity of the selfish (i.e. James as if you already know). jesus. What i felt was overwhelmed. crawfish at my heart. when will that feel ok? I wish...
It was is as you.
My thought retracted is loneliness. My thought extended is breathing in the warmth.
Left unretracted ('Know me as Woman. THESE are my boundaries') I have no protection for my mind. How do you retract that privacy?
Bleach bleach bleach bleach stay away from me.
I am not your slave, thoughts.
'I- am- not- your- slave- thoughts'
I do not think with grammer. If I had a friend I would chat about grammer. Mould and Mildew remover. Mould and Mildew remover. Beat the drum. Beat the drum. Think of rum drink the rum. I'm growing a beard. Who would want such a thing? I saw the waning just before last quarter last night. Just how beautiful how beautiful how beautiful can won night be? I am being twisted out and about. Bleach. Lets be clear on this shall we?
I just say the word and I am protected. Say the word. Say the word. I. I said it out loud. It reinforced my right of way. The other day, I saw someone sit beside me as if I didn't exist in my own life and write as if I didn't exist. And push a snake right through my arm. This person wasn't aware of me. Or yes he/she was. What makes this happen? Is anyone going to help me? What an evil thing to happen! Why did you happen to me? I am very weak. Why is this happening to me? I hate to see the word 'happen'. It is a weak word. I'm all dressed up and I'm afraid of being twisted out of proportion. Have I given the right away? If I gave the right away, which IS giving the right of way, then the right of way is mine because I have the right of way. Why is this not enough? Well here I am, at the end of the question where the answer was earlier in the question. When I think of Isabelle I amsane. I think "How can I give her the right message, the right idea?? What is the right message to give to Isabelle? What is the right message to give to Isabelle. Look after your gums Isabelle. Or what? Have I avoided sickening disaster? Will you be scared when you grow up? One of us will want to see the other again. Will it be you or will it be me? Your daddy is your whole world and I love you because you're so easy to love. If you weren't mine, I'd love you. Because you are mine what explanation do you know for your life? This is shared with James because James forced me into non privacy. (Because I am weak because I am weak). I cannot continue my thoughts sometimes because of the iniquity of the selfish (i.e. James as if you already know). jesus. What i felt was overwhelmed. crawfish at my heart. when will that feel ok? I wish...
If the disease comes through your mind
And it's there when you look in the mirror,
Nobody talks to you because your diseased.
I SUPPOSE I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH DISEASE
That's why it takes so long to get rid of it.
You find it hard to tell what's real and what's true...
Disease and my mind
My mind and the disease.
It's not what I thought it was...
If I could scratch this itch, it wouldn't be so hard to think about.
I have 4 diseases.
Four. Compared to everyone else. Four diseases. Four.
Three. I'm optomistic.
Sometimes I can put it away and I'm not diseased.
The disease becomes a punishment.
He was the one person I felt comfortable being with. But apparently we were doomed from the start: Me and Nick. And if life wasn't bad enough, voices in the music are winning the human race. A punk band. I know, I already know I'm the one person know one wants to be like. But Nick was waring me down with his insults. I needed that boyfriend, but he was actually REALLY childish when it came to what he was like in bed. Funny, this has shown up a pattern. First, nothing in bed with Peter, followed by two really childish men in bed with me straight afterwards. I must be higher but I must also be able to see these things before them because I was here first! And I have already apologised to them. I think I'm neatly deaf. How can I know? I'm a walking advert for that phrase "Beware..." I need to know that I can avoid another catastrophe.
And it's there when you look in the mirror,
Nobody talks to you because your diseased.
I SUPPOSE I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH DISEASE
That's why it takes so long to get rid of it.
You find it hard to tell what's real and what's true...
Disease and my mind
My mind and the disease.
It's not what I thought it was...
If I could scratch this itch, it wouldn't be so hard to think about.
I have 4 diseases.
Four. Compared to everyone else. Four diseases. Four.
Three. I'm optomistic.
Sometimes I can put it away and I'm not diseased.
The disease becomes a punishment.
He was the one person I felt comfortable being with. But apparently we were doomed from the start: Me and Nick. And if life wasn't bad enough, voices in the music are winning the human race. A punk band. I know, I already know I'm the one person know one wants to be like. But Nick was waring me down with his insults. I needed that boyfriend, but he was actually REALLY childish when it came to what he was like in bed. Funny, this has shown up a pattern. First, nothing in bed with Peter, followed by two really childish men in bed with me straight afterwards. I must be higher but I must also be able to see these things before them because I was here first! And I have already apologised to them. I think I'm neatly deaf. How can I know? I'm a walking advert for that phrase "Beware..." I need to know that I can avoid another catastrophe.
(no subject)
Jul. 13th, 2011 07:07 pmThe angel that broke my heart when you were born, Won't leave it alone today.
I sometimes find myself carrying my heart around like a hand bag. "It gets easier with time, and you forget about it for a while, but it becomes your friend, and when you need it you can look down and there it is again. It's as if it replaces the child you lost... you have despair instead.
I realized today that I need Jp's feminine emotionality to peirce through and make sense of this confusion... but there's complications. Sex tends to ruin a friendship. Something like this happens, and there's no room for that position. That position does not exist. I thought I was not ready for him with his crying about his mother... I'm still not sure I can hear that right now. I wish I could have it.
In time when will I know if Asha will do that for me?
Why won't my life stop being so crowded? It seems as though I'm being pushed to the point of crisis or humiliation... over doing it so that I fall under the weight of myself. When did Over crowding become the solution to feeling crowded?
I sometimes find myself carrying my heart around like a hand bag. "It gets easier with time, and you forget about it for a while, but it becomes your friend, and when you need it you can look down and there it is again. It's as if it replaces the child you lost... you have despair instead.
I realized today that I need Jp's feminine emotionality to peirce through and make sense of this confusion... but there's complications. Sex tends to ruin a friendship. Something like this happens, and there's no room for that position. That position does not exist. I thought I was not ready for him with his crying about his mother... I'm still not sure I can hear that right now. I wish I could have it.
In time when will I know if Asha will do that for me?
Why won't my life stop being so crowded? It seems as though I'm being pushed to the point of crisis or humiliation... over doing it so that I fall under the weight of myself. When did Over crowding become the solution to feeling crowded?
(no subject)
Jun. 21st, 2011 10:14 amCan I really allow myself not to feel depressed today? It's easy to decide to stay this way.
All I wanna do is be in a place I can be nurtured for a while like my parents but their answer is to shout at me. I scared, I'm wet, I'm hurting. When i get a boyfirend i realize why i can't be woith a boyfrined. where will someone nurture me for a bit? where? I wonder if they'll give me a little rest.
TODAY'S A DIARY DAY
Jun. 17th, 2011 10:30 pmI have a stronger desire to get my head straight than I have to avoid pain ful situations. My parents call this mental health issues. And I call this boredom. I am sat at my parent's house, in the study with nothing to do. Sometimes I mother my mother. Two wasted gianormous pizzas, the TV's on. Pop's arriving tomorrow, though for what purpose, I do not know. Father's day? When I go back I have to tidy the flat. Getting my mind into a positive head space to sell it is important. I could do it when I was looking at that flat in Bridgwater. The flat looked positively B.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. I looked in the mirror today and I saw that I feel blind living underneath James. I can't even see myself when I look in the mirror most of the time. It's not easy. One thing... be constant.... please! I saw ashley today. I told him my whole life is on facebook. It was good to drop a weight off. Got to wait for him to text me *before I feel like I'm being heard*. Y'see that's the thing about the subconcious. Fear speaks first, followed by crisis. Writing and talking helps, being able to slow yourself down and prepare. He was on his way to Glastonbury festival. Last time I saw him... everyone I have sex with I fight with. I HAVE NOT ENOUGH SPACE IN MY LIFE! Anyway... Ashley...history was made when he put me in a head lock in Denmark. We weren't exactly buxom buddies after that. It's always been so stressful travelling with people. I went to see him in Cheltenham, got him kicked out of his place (accidentally) had a fight with him, took off to London on Acid. Later found out that J.P had history in Cheltenham. National Express passengers were really kind that day. No-one 'told' I was hitching a ride. In the hot hot loo. Citrine. Nothing to do at 11 o'clock at night in Cheddar. Too tired to fight, but I'm awake. Awake awake alive. There's a fucking witches broom in the corner of this carpeted room. Mum's gone to bed. Dad's locking up. spect I'll find him in there still sleeping soon. Yep! A cough. Write a poem. Try to not to cement up my depression with consumerism. Post out.
Clouds are the music that mountains make.
When you get that feeling on a clear day that you are listening to a great piece of epic classical music, it's as if somebody today has moved a mountain and the music it made, formed clouds.
Or perhaps (and this reminds me of the photograph of a yogi sitting on Peter's mantlepiece) there is a yogi letting out billowing manifestations of inspiration. Someone is letting off steam.
The sky messages sent from one mountain to another.
Perhaps it's condensation from a sleeping earth reflecting on the o-zone layer.
Or perhaps the clouds are there to tell us just how easy it is to move mountains.
When you get that feeling on a clear day that you are listening to a great piece of epic classical music, it's as if somebody today has moved a mountain and the music it made, formed clouds.
Or perhaps (and this reminds me of the photograph of a yogi sitting on Peter's mantlepiece) there is a yogi letting out billowing manifestations of inspiration. Someone is letting off steam.
The sky messages sent from one mountain to another.
Perhaps it's condensation from a sleeping earth reflecting on the o-zone layer.
Or perhaps the clouds are there to tell us just how easy it is to move mountains.
Welcome to my life.
May. 22nd, 2011 06:24 pmEvery now and then I see
Equality in the first degree
Impressed on me was,
It's meant to be.
I RUN AFTER IT!
Like grasping at the wind,
Because I want to chase the things I love, and i'm supposed to chase the things I want.
Beaten down, I'm a feminist,
(in prose I pose)
I suggest a test.
My beaten battered heart.
Equality in the first degree
Impressed on me was,
It's meant to be.
I RUN AFTER IT!
Like grasping at the wind,
Because I want to chase the things I love, and i'm supposed to chase the things I want.
Beaten down, I'm a feminist,
(in prose I pose)
I suggest a test.
My beaten battered heart.
More secrets are needed today.
You spent too long holding my hand
I know it's not right
And we're not meant to be
And in the begining this love was unplanned.
But time forges on, and sadly so did we.
I tried too hard to understand, And now we're like children fighting for air and energy...
Floppy plasma
Floppy plasma
That's what you and I have become.
Blimey, TBC.
You spent too long holding my hand
I know it's not right
And we're not meant to be
And in the begining this love was unplanned.
But time forges on, and sadly so did we.
I tried too hard to understand, And now we're like children fighting for air and energy...
Floppy plasma
Floppy plasma
That's what you and I have become.
Blimey, TBC.
Moogleye and the Mosquito
May. 19th, 2011 12:44 amThe mosquito sat right in my eye line, on the wall as I lay in the dark silent night, after a party of clapping, swearing, insense and buzzing and whining. Oh! The buzzing and whining. That's what began all this in the first place. It flew away. "So," I thought. Not only in my eye line, in my heart as well. My conscience deflected it's deadly blow for about 5 minutes. It tried again. Sat in my eye line, winking, grinning, wiggling it's arse at me. It was him or me. If I ignored it he would've been tempted by the lullaby of my skin as I lay sleeping, and I would've woken up in the morning with 2 or 3 bites on my arms or legs. Every vegan's struggle is in front of you in these here words. Splat! I killed it. On the wall. I knew I'd done wrong, because though I would've had three bites 24 hours later, he was the one who would've been burdened with the eternal struggle and my conscience would've walked away pain free. Who's really living now? Him - pain free mosquito? Or me - with clearer skin?
